Heartless

I feel hopeless. No expectation anymore. I can slowly feel that my heart is dying. Burning with the ashes. Is it a good sign? I have asked for this since before. I should be happy. I should finally be having the sighs of relief. Yes, this is good. Break me more, I'm good. I'm fine. I want this

I am sorry

I am sorry for not being understanding. I am sorry for not being enough help to you. I am sorry that I develop feelings for you. I am sorry that I have the intention of leaving you once you get better. I am sorry for not being enough. I am sorry for everything. You deserve so much more. Believe me, one day you will get better. Even better than before. You gonna be somebody. Someone that inspire so many people and you will gain so much respect. That time I know that I will not exist in your life anymore but I do hope that you will remember me even just a little bit. You are the only person that I invest so much on. I want you to know that I never go out of my way to other people like I did with you. When you first told me that I don't understand, I made research almost every day so that I can relate even just a little bit. I try to approach few people to know more. The most important thing is, I think about you every single day. Worrying. Not enough being on my mind at day, you even came to my dreams at night. Absurd huh? You became my priority. Meeting you is my priority whenever I can. If the distance is not a problem, I will meet you Every.Single.Day.

I am sorry to keep on having expectations. I am sorry to have hope. In your condition, I should not be falling for you. It felt so wrong but I am sorry, I can't even control my own feelings. I don't want to leave you, that's why I'm keeping this to myself. Tight. Not letting it out. But it hurt so much. So so much. It is more hurtful when I know that you had your heart for another person even though I should expect that from the very beginning. And it hurt so bad knowing that I am not that important in your life when I think I am. I am sorry for thinking this way. I am sorry.

Can you tell me what should I do?

That's all I ask

Am I being selfish for wanting you by myself when I can see that you are happy being with her? I sense that you are brighter when you got a text from her, a phone call from her. Even with all the things I did for you, I know that it is not enough. You are not that happy when you are with me. Should I back off? Why does it hurt so much? I clearly know that feelings can't be forced.

Please go to her. Don't come back to me. What are you trying to do with me when you clearly like her? I am still a woman with a delicate heart.

Maybe you don't realise this but you gave me hopes. I am sorry for slipping into the hole while going through this journey. I can't control my own feelings. I feel stupid and yes I am stupid. I should not have this feeling. I am sorry.

I hope that girl will treat you well.
I hope that girl will make you forget every misery you had.
I hope that girl will never fail to check up on you.
I hope that girl will make you happy.
I hope that girl can make you and your family happy.
I hope that girl can be there when you need someone.
I hope that girl can bring you out of the darkness.

That's all I ask. That's what I've been asking from the beginning. For you to get better and not to experience any darkness anymore. I want you to be happy. That's all I ask.