Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Clearer

Now I understand. I am the selfish one. I thought I have made the right move. I thought that I have already been there. Actually, I'm not. I'm not attached to you emotionally. I never try to open you up emotionally. I just literally there. I never tried to delve into you. I just sit there quietly hoping that you will open up to me. I am no different than a doll with a soul. I don't even trust you enough to open up to you myself. Why did I not understand this? But how to do that? I want to try. I really want to

Sunday, June 24, 2018

It's Okay If They Don't Love You Back

"Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hug it, the greater the pain will be."

I know that loving does not mean having and we can't ever force the person to return the feeling. But it is necessary for me to keep reminding myself of these things. It's not easy to swallow this painful truth but whenever I realized this, it helps me to think more on how to love myself more than focusing my feelings for him. Love is a wonderful feeling, a beautiful thing. We are the one who makes it look bad. Did we force ourselves to have feelings for that person? No. Then can we force the person to reciprocate the feeling? Absolutely NO. That is the basic rule that we have to always keep in mind. If one day that person can return the feeling, good for you. But if they don't, don't blame them. Put yourself in their shoes. Feel the uncomfortable feeling they are feeling. They don't like to reject you too but they can't force the feeling to come even if they tried. Just like your feeling. You can't throw it away easily even if you have tried.

For the time being, embrace the feeling. Not all people could experience love and one day yours will fade too. At that time, you will miss the feeling of falling in love again. While you still feel it, love the feeling. Always keep in your mind that the person does not need to return the feeling and it's okay. Most importantly, try to find ways to love yourself first more than you love that person. Spend more time on yourself, go out on dates, shop things for yourself and just do things that will make you feel happy.

I'm trying too.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Broken Inside

All these while, I live to please people around me. Expectations everywhere. I was born to complete the incomplete puzzles. Since the beginning, I was forced to be strong. I am glad. I really am growing stronger than anybody else. I'm used to eat up my tears, swallow my sadness and show only the bright part of me. Growing up being the strong one, is not that great. People will be amazed but they don't know the struggle. They see me smiling, making people smile and just there whenever someone needs the comfort. I'm expected to always be ready. If there are any storms, I need to be ready to stand in front, face it. No reason accepted. I can't be dark, gloomy. They have bigger problems than me. I can't complain. I just need to be there. Be there and fulfill all the desire. Is it still not enough? You got every piece of me. Is it still not enough? Can't I save some for myself? When I need to have some time with my own pieces, I got thousand of whys but I didn't say any when I gave out the pieces. My feelings don't matter anymore because I used to only show rainbows and sunshine that you forget that I have feelings too. Never try to understand me, what I've been through and what I want. I am so broken inside. So so broken. And when I thought that I will finally see some light, I thought wrong. I should have no expectations. I know that but I am still too dumb to give a chance. It ends up being a chance that kills me inside, that breaks me more. But maybe this is just me. Being overreacting, overdramatic over nothing. I guess I have to eat it all up again.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Black

Lost. That's what I see. A lost person. You are lost.
You don't know where to go, you don't know where you are. You just lost
You feel like you are in a weird dimension. Alone. No hands to reach. Just you and yourself
But even from that solitude, I can see your desperate cry. A cry to get out of that dimension
You are so desperate you just want to see rainbows but you forgot that rainbows will only come after the rain, storm and thunder.
You start to feel hopeless.
"Maybe rainbows don't exist anymore"

You hate yourself. Thinking yourself exist as a mistake
You think that you were born just to be damned
You don't deserve happiness. Even  happiness do not want to knock on your door
"God made a huge mistake by making me"

You think people hate you. You think people just hate your existence.
Those who knew you, throw you away like you are nothing
It made you feel useless, bad and worst
"I just don't deserve anyone"

You think you are a monster. Engulfed into your own demon
You feel ugly as the demon ate your soul
You can't see light. You only see darkness. Pitch black
"Maybe I am actually the demon"

Little did you know, you are totally wrong
It's okay to be lost. One day you will find ways. I will be there to help you find them. I will not leave you alone in the journey

It's okay to hate yourself but you have to know that God never made mistakes. You have been chosen by Him. You are the chosen one. You did win the race before you were even born

It's okay to feel like people hate you. Because there are people like that. They left, they stay only to get everything they wanted. Once they got it, they leave you unwanted. They just don't know how to appreciate things. They are selfish. They just don't deserve you and every beautiful thing you have in you.

It's okay to feel that way. Your demon is beautiful too. It just it isn't tame enough. One day, it will be tamed and even shine the light for you. The demon will turn into angel someday.

You are beautiful. Your soul, your heart, your thoughts are all beautiful.
I am sorry that a person as beautiful as you need to go through this shit.
But you need to know that everything that happens in this world has their own reason. Your life too
One day, you will find them. You won't get lost anymore.
Hang in there, let's wait for the rainbow. Together.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Worth

You had given me enough assurance but why do I still feel this way? It's like back to when I don't know where I am standing in your life. It's like I'm just scared that everything you assured me disappeared. Maybe I am not that worthy anymore. I know it's wrong to assume things but I can't help it. The feeling of wanting to disappear from your life keep on coming. I just feel like going away but I know that will make it worse for you. Why do I feel like I am being trapped? I don't want to think about it but I can't help it. It became worse when I keep on dreaming about you. The vivid dream is not helping at all. The dream shows what I want to do with you, what I want to say to you. Sleeping is not something wonderful for me lately. You're not breaking me but I feel like you are. I am sorry

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Glad

Thank you for reaching out to me when you need someone. I really feel appreciated. I feel complete, when I'm with you. Feels like I don't need anything else. This feeling is the same as the first time you helped me out of my misery. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

It just me

Everybody tells me that I am stupid.
Everybody said that he is a bad news
Everybody tells me to stay away
Everybody dislikes the idea of me and him

I agree with every single thing they said. I fully agreed but my heart is the hardest to convince in this world. I just can't
I just can't leave him
And I won't leave him. Until he leaves me.
That is my promise

Hurt me. Break me. It hurts. A lot. But when it comes to you, I am unbreakable.


Tired

Why does it still hurt? So bad. I am seriously tired

Lessons

One thing that I learned in love is, if he want to stay, he will. If he wants you, he will. Nothing could make him change his mind. Nothing. Even with your never-ending efforts.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Heartless

I feel hopeless. No expectation anymore. I can slowly feel that my heart is dying. Burning with the ashes. Is it a good sign? I have asked for this since before. I should be happy. I should finally be having the sighs of relief. Yes, this is good. Break me more, I'm good. I'm fine. I want this

Saturday, April 21, 2018

I am sorry

I am sorry for not being understanding. I am sorry for not being enough help to you. I am sorry that I develop feelings for you. I am sorry that I have the intention of leaving you once you get better. I am sorry for not being enough. I am sorry for everything. You deserve so much more. Believe me, one day you will get better. Even better than before. You gonna be somebody. Someone that inspire so many people and you will gain so much respect. That time I know that I will not exist in your life anymore but I do hope that you will remember me even just a little bit. You are the only person that I invest so much on. I want you to know that I never go out of my way to other people like I did with you. When you first told me that I don't understand, I made research almost every day so that I can relate even just a little bit. I try to approach few people to know more. The most important thing is, I think about you every single day. Worrying. Not enough being on my mind at day, you even came to my dreams at night. Absurd huh? You became my priority. Meeting you is my priority whenever I can. If the distance is not a problem, I will meet you Every.Single.Day.

I am sorry to keep on having expectations. I am sorry to have hope. In your condition, I should not be falling for you. It felt so wrong but I am sorry, I can't even control my own feelings. I don't want to leave you, that's why I'm keeping this to myself. Tight. Not letting it out. But it hurt so much. So so much. It is more hurtful when I know that you had your heart for another person even though I should expect that from the very beginning. And it hurt so bad knowing that I am not that important in your life when I think I am. I am sorry for thinking this way. I am sorry.

Can you tell me what should I do?